I know, I really know I got a perfect life. A perfect family, a loving friends even it’s not much, and a boyfriend. Well, this boyfriend. He carried many luggages on his back. But he never share it, he never ask help from anybody. He thinks he is strong enough, or he doesn’t care much about it. And yes, he is. He knew it’s freaking heavy, and sometimes it makes him lost. But he doesn’t really care. He doesn’t need anybody. Except God. And here I am. Like anyone says about me. They don’t see me carry many luggage on my back. When I feel exhausted, they’ll be like, “what the fuck. You just carry that little luggage! Look at me! Look at my luggages! They even look like a huge tower!”. I feel really bad about it. Yes, me and this tiny luggage. But I ALWAYS need help from everybody. If you ask me why? Man, I’m sorry. I don’t know either. This is PROBABLY because I don’t have stronger body or mind like you do. OR I don’t have bigger heart like you do. I share it to God too in case you don’t know. I’m not blaming anyone. But please, don’t blame me too. I don’t have any idea WHY. You know how envy I am to be that kind of person? The strong person with big heart? I’m trying so hard. And it’s never enough. I still ask somebody’s help. And people starts to leave me. They just keep going carry their luggages away. And go to a better place. Everyone is there already. 

So today, I realize. It’s not about how many luggage you cary, how heavy it is. It’s all about yourself. How strong and big you are. And I’m not there yet. Just go, my friend. I promise, I will try to be like you. Go and carry that away. I’m sorry for bothering you. See you again dear friend.

Blog ini sepi pengunjung. Tapi begitulah saya menyukainya. Karena seperti menulis buku harian yang tidak bergembok dan sengaja kutaruh di atas meja di dalam kamar. Mungkin hanya orang yang tau dan ingat nama blog ini yang akan mampir membaca. Hanya mereka yang ingin tahu. Dan hanya mereka yang tidak sengaja karena search "cerita horror  bokep" di google -____- Percaya ga percaya, kalau kamu search keyword itu, blog ini akan muncul. Ini dikarenakan saya pernah nulis tentang pengalaman cerita horror di lift yang berakhir konyol dan memalukan seolah-olah terjadi adegan mesra di dalam lift. Semua yang search keyword itu, dan baca postingannya, pasti menyesal udah baca. Karena ga ada bokep-bokepnya sama sekali. Hahahahahaha. Ah omong-omong bagi yang penasaran ingin membaca, boleh baca disini.

Sweetest thing. Ever.

Ibu, thank you for giving me life. Thank you for all the pain that you suffer from gave birth. I'm sorry for any problem I've caused. I know you always love me. Even when I talk back to you. Even I've made you cry many times. For me, our family is the only reason why I still here. Why I keep struggling to make it. Sometimes I feel tired for being myself. For being not good enough. When I feel good about myself, I don't know why, there's always something brings me down. It's like I don't deserve to feel good. I don't deserve to be happy. If you read this, please don't worry about me. I'm okay. I will never stop trying and fighting. And do not ever blame yourself. Because you're the best mom in the world, you're perfect for me, you never taught me any bad things, and you always be a good rolemodel for me. Trust me. You're the best. You have the purest love and heart in the world. And I love you. You know how much I love you. You always love me even when I couldn't love myself. Please forgive me. Forgive me. I love you. You know I really love you. It's just me. My other part of me that not related to you. But I promise you, I will never give up. I will never leave you. I will try so hard even I have to sweat blood or feel this hurt. Even this is so hard for me but I'll try my best. And I will never stop. Even it hurt so much that I couldn't draw my pain. But trust me I will never leave you. Because I love you more than I love myself.

Ayah, you know I always be your little girl. Thank you for being my shield. Thank you for always protect me from anything that would harm to me. Thank you for always fight for me. Giving your time, your life, to make me happy. To give me a perfect life. To always give what I wanted. I know you also love me, because yes, I love you too. I love you and I love you. I always thinking, that one day, if there's a man will take me away from you, I will always choose you. I will never leave you. I want to be your little girl until the day I die. I don't want to go far from you. But last time you said, your life wouldn't be perfect if you never take to the the isle, and see me in wedding dress. Married someone you actually hate, because he stole my heart. But you know what? I will never give my heart to anybody. My heart is only for you. Because you are my first and last love for me. Because I know you won't break my heart. I know you will never leave me for other women. I know, that I am what you wanted. I'm the perfect girl for you. And I know you always feel lucky to have me. I know you won't hurt me. And no one can replace you. There's no one who deserves my heart except you. So I promise you. I will never leave you. I will keep going and not give up. Sometimes I want to stop, but I will always remember your faith. I will never disappoint you. And even it's really hard for me, and I don't think there's someone would marry me, but I promise. I will get marry, so your life would be perfect. I love you. DOn't worry, I'm not going anywhere.

One word could end someone's life.

Saya dan sosial media

Maafkan sudah menelantarkan blog ini begitu lamaaaa! (kayanya udah nulis ini berpuluh-puluh kali deh.....) Padahal sebenernya saya ada waktu sih untuk nulis. Tapi tapi tapi, pas buka laptop larinya malah ke Facebook, pinterest, youtube, dan buka berita-berita, artikel-artikel ga penting, dan gossip-gossip terhangat......... Padahal udah download juga aplikasi blogspot di HP. Tapi kalau megang HP, malah buka path, line, whatsapp, instagram... Yah... begitulah.... Nyatanya sosial media lebih sering saya buka dibanding blog ini.... :( maafin.

Omong-omong soal sosial media. Beberapa waktu yang lalu, saya agak bermasalah dengan sosial media. Tampaknya sosial media itu seperti pedang bermata dua bagi saya. Kaya misalnya, saya kan sekarang tinggal di Bangkok, jauh dari sahabat-sahabat, kawan-kawan, pacar, dan keluarga. Walaupun disini juga banyak temen-temen sihhhh, tapi kadang kucapek ngomong Bahasa Inggris mulu soalnya tiap ngomong harus mikir. Tiap dengerin, mikir lagi. Iya maaf da Bahasa Inggris aku emang jelek. Hahahaha. Jadi kalo kesepian, selain suka jalan-jalan sendirian, muter-muter kota, menyulam (oh ini hobby baru saya! tetep ya anaknya udah crafty banget), baca buku (jiga nu bener weh), tidur-tiduran, maka pelarian selanjutnya dari kesepian itu adalah: sosial media. Dimana saya bisa bertemu teman-teman saya yang jauh, melihat aktivitas mereka sehari-hari, liat postingan makanan yang selalu bikin pengen balik ke Indo, dan lain sebagainya. Menyenangkan. Kadang rasa kesepian itu memang berkurang. Tapi dibalik itu semua, kadang selalu saja ada yang menusuk. Ngga, temen-temen saya Alhamdulillah ga ada yang jahat ngomongin saya terang-terangan di sosmed kok, atau membully. Tapi yang menusuk itu adalah........ kehidupan orang lain yang terpampang di sosmed. Like, why their life is perfect? Si ini enak banget yah... Si itu hebat ih gaweannya udah begini... Si eta karyanya makin bagus aja.... Woh si ini mau nikah dong.... Dan si itu punya anak..... Sementara si ini asik banget jalan-jalan mulu.... Si itu tiap posting banyak banget yang respon kasih "love" atau emotikon lainnya...... Dan. Lain. Sebagainya. Wa. Pusing. Nget.

Alhasil, buka sosmed, kadang bikin anxiety kambuh. Bikin stress sendiri. Bikin insecure. Bikin depresi. Maaf ya terlihat lebay. But yeah, it happened to me :) Ujung-ujungnya jadi suka mempertanyakan sendiri, what have I done in my whole life? I don't have any job. I haven't married yet. I don't have my OWN money. I haven't achieve anything. Do my parents proud of me? Do my successful friend still want to be friend with me? Why people seems so happy with their lives?? And. I'm. Not.

WHY?

Sampai pada akhirnya, pikiran-pikiran itu bercabang dan menyedot saya ke lubang nestapa. Seolah-olah, ga ada kesempatan lagi deh untuk saya. Dan semuanya gelap. Ga punya harapan juga motivasi. Maaf ya kalau ini terdengar emo. Dan lebay. Tapi, yang pernah mengalami pasti ngerti sih. Lalu saya pun berbagi keluh kesah hal ini dengan pacar dan teman-teman saya. Point pentingnya seperti ini:

"Namanya juga dunia maya. Maya. Ngga nyata. Darimana kamu tau hidup mereka sebenarnya seperti apa. Yah bersyukur aja sama hidup kita sendiri. Yang masih diberi keselamatan, kesehatan, kenyamanan, dan keamanan." Begitu kata Bung Aulia Fadil.

"Sosial media itu bagus sih buat self-branding. Sisanya sih, ya gitu-gitu aja." Dan ini kata Riar.

Dan keduanya berkata, "Makanya gausah cek sosial media sering-sering..."

Yang mana itu adalah hal yang cukup sulit, karena nampaknya saya agak addicted sama sosial media apapun. Walau ga selalu aktif ngepost, tapi selalu ngecek, scrolling, "like", scrolling, "love", scrolling, scrolling, terus aja gitu.

Tapi setelah itu saya jadi beranggapan. Ok. Sosial media itu di dunia maya. Maya loh ya, ga nyata. Dan gunanya bagus buat self-branding. Kesimpulan yang saya dapat, orang-orang juga PASTI cuma ngeshare apa yang ingin mereka share. Biar apa? Ya biar orang lain tau. Kenapa orang lain harus tau? Nah ini alasannya macem-macem. Admit it, sometimes we just want to show off (ok, you can call it "share"). Either it's useful or not. Important or not. Sometimes we want to impress others (right?). Or, you just need some attention (Have you ever waiting for notification from your socmed account? Or even count how many likes or loves you get? Or how many comments? Chill, you're not alone. I have.) It doesn't mean people faking it. They just share a little part of it, and keep the rest of it. We never know, behind hundreds 'love' they got, they struggle for something really hard. When your friends share happy moment, deep down inside, they're crying. Really. We never know. At least now you know. If you saw my timeline in social media, or my post, you can envy me, I won't blame you. But let me tell you. It's useless. Because I only show you, what I want to show. I didn't tell you about my whole story or activity. I only want to impress you. I need "likes" and "loves". I want you to see me the way I want it, not the way I am. I want you to know about how happy I am. But I rarely tell you when I feel really terrible. Once again. I'm not faking it. Never. But, I only show what I want to show. And maybe, in social media, I only show 1% of my life. Don't get fooled.

(Maaf ini latian nulis Bahasa Inggris judulnya......... LOL)

Jadi sekarang kalau sirik-sirik liat postingan orang lain, atau banding2in hidup kita sama mereka, inget aja lagi hal di atas ini. Saya harap sih, ini cuma saya doang yang suka kepikiran sampe bercabang kaya gini (tapi sekarang udah ngga loh!). Dan tentunya sangat mensyukuri hidup saya yang sekarang ini. Gapapa belum punya kerjaan, Alhamdulillah masih bisa hidup nyaman biarpun biaya masih dari orang tua. Alhamdulillah orang tua masih mau mendanai. Alhamdulillah yang saya kerjakan pun positif dan pastinya akan berguna nantinya. Alhamdulillah punya teman-teman yang baik dan tentunya pacar yang baik. Alhamdulillah masih diberi kesehatan, keselamatan, kenyamanan, dan keamanan. Alhamdulillah masih bisa berkarya dan terus belajar.

Yah begitulah. Tapi saya yakin kalian pastinya lebih bijaksana memakai social media! :)